It's cramming season. If you're in college, you have a million tests soon, and you're going to wait until the last minute. I can help you. I won't tell you not to procrasinate; that's like telling teenagers to stop having sex. What I'm here to do is give you a crash-course on Rock 'n' Roll Cramming -- my patented 12-hour cram session, featuring some of the best (and worst) music ever recorded....

The Beginner's Rock 'n' Roll Cram Session begins at 7:00 pm and ends at 7:00 am -- your standard all-nighter. Be sure to be equipped with carbonated beverages, sandwich food, the phone numbers to your nearest pizza delivery place, and a bottle of the cheapest 40-proof liquor you can find.

Also a good "doing it" album

7:00 pm, Bedroom. With a mildly-interesting sporting event on ESPN (muted, of course) in the background, crack open a soda can and jump right in to the sounds of Led Zeppelin II. This is an easy choice. The repetitive drone of Jimmy Page's electric on "Whole Lotta Love" gets you into a groove as you bury your face in your notes. All nine tracks are powerful -- this keeps you confident and helps you feel dominant. Most of the lyrics are sexually-motivated; the content of "The Lemon Song" alone convinces you that you will make tomorrow's test your bitch.

Good for drinking alone after the death of a pet.

7:42 pm, Bedroom. You're off to a good start. Let's not spoil a good thing. Neil Young & Crazy Horse's Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere is next. You'd think that during a study period we'd go with an acoustic Neil album instead of this rather grungy electric one, but most of the songs are long, and Neil's reflective lyrics ground you and make you a little less horny than Zeppelin did 40 minutes ago. So far, so good.

Good while reading Animal Farm.

8:23 pm, Bedroom. Now to our first challenge. Pink Floyd, Animals. Five songs, three really long ones. There are subliminal messages about government and the devil in "Sheep," but if you respond to them with the mantra of "Yes, master, the sum of the squares of the two legs of a right triangle is equal and opposite the hypotenuse," you will have won your first tough battle.

The story of (your name here)'s life.

9:05 pm, Living Room. You've won your first battle, but now you're overconfident. A change in scenery and mood will help keep your eyes on the prize. Move to the living room and put in The Who's Tommy. During the Overture, stare at a framed picture of your father and cry. The vulnerability achieved by this coupled with the fact that Tommy's storyline spans over 30 years opens your mind and lets more in -- you've actually learned more than you thought possible in a 75-minute span!

If you pick a fight during this album, you'll win.

10:21 pm, Back in Bedroom. The final segment of SportsCenter is on MUTE. Put on Are You Experienced? Do three sets of 15 pushups during "Manic Depression." Crack your knuckles. Resume studying with Letterman on MUTE. As an homage to Jimi, you will write left-handed for the rest of the album.

These albums would be cool at a funeral.

11:02 pm, Bedroom. The five Jimmy Miller-era Rolling Stones albums -- play them all in a row -- Beggar's Banquet, Let It Bleed, Sticky Fingers, Exile on Main St., and Goats Head Soup. This is a free-style period for you. Do whatever you please, but make sure to order and finish a pizza during this time. Maybe call a friend who lives west of you and talk for a few minutes about how underappreciated Exile is.

Jew.

3:06 am, Bedroom. The five Stones albums have you a bit disjointed and confused. You need to be brought back down to Earth for the final four hours. Another Side of Bob Dylan will hit the spot. This very intelligent album makes you feel intelligent. Skim over the Book of Habakkuk during "Chimes of Freedom," but don't try to pronounce it.

Never listen to this sober.

3:57 am, Your Car. Drive to the Mississippi levee with Morrison Hotel at half-full blast. Remember the 40-proof liquor? Take exactly two shots of it on the way there. Drive to the top of the levee, get out of your car, and take one more sip while letting some drip down your neck and onto your white t-shirt. Throw the bottle into the river. I know there's still a lot of drink left -- just give it to the river. Drive back, exceeding all speed limits by 25 miles per hour.

Masturbate.

4:35 am, Back in Bedroom. Masturbate to "Dancer in a Daydream" by Ace of Base, or some other guilty pleasure song that helps you out in that special way. Just make it quick and, and don't fall asleep.

Masturbate...if you're gay.

4:41 am, Bedroom. Study hard during Purple Rain. Also, open your blinds and spend this period naked. The slight excitement brought about by the possibility of a stranger seeing you naked gives you just the right amount of adrenaline to stay awake until the sun comes up. Do not, however, fantasize about Prince. Not only will you flunk your exam, but you'll also drop out of school and become a prostitute.

This album is sadder than the Holocaust.

5:25 am, Bedroom. Johnny Cash, Bitter Tears: Ballads of the American Indian. Let your studying be interrupted by the sunrise. Bleed. Be cleansed. Realize that no matter how you do on this test, you will still die. This frees you.

You're done studying. Off you go.

5:57 am, Bedroom. The White Album. You could pull off a C-plus by simply listening to this album in your sleep. The clock strikes seven during "Helter Skelter." Your studying is complete. Take two caffeine pills; eat a handful of dry cereal on your way out. This will be the greatest day of your life.